I am reading The Broken Way by Ann Voskamp.  Two chapters in and I am already debating whether to go on.  I can sense it… this deep soul calling challenge that I know I need but I desperately don’t want to pursue. In essence, I lack the fortitude to move forward with it.  With this message I am not quite sure I am ready to embrace.

As I started reading today a tiny bug crawled on my table and I instantly squished it.  Reflex.  Of course in its resiliency to live it continued squirming amidst the pain, fighting for life.  So I ended it.  I took the pen cap and squished it with too much strength and force, willing it to submit to death so it wouldn’t have to suffer.  I am not cruel by nature… it is just that once I made him hurt, I couldn’t bear the suffering.  I assumed he would rather be dead than alive in pain… so I squished Him fully.

I kept glancing at his broken body while writing my thoughts on paper.  Thinking over it.  Afterward, I got up for coffee and returned to find his body missing.  I swear to you I am not making this up… who could possibly make this up?  I looked all over… surely my son touched it, surely I accidentally swept it onto the table, surely, surely.  Nothing.  It is gone.  I cannot find it.  This little broken bug body that I made sure to crush into oblivion for his own sake is now missing.  How can something that dead and crushed possibly come back to life?

And that is the question really… how can something so dead and broken come back to life?  How can God take this brokenness, this pain, the suffering  that we feel in our hearts and bodies and lives and breathe new life into it?  This is the question I need to answer and the one I want to avoid with all of my being.  I don’t want this pain.  I don’t want this suffering… but I want Him… and I want His fullness to come to pass.